joe's diary

Thursday, March 31, 2005

People,

Sorry for the missed days. Blogger is biting my ass.

Anyway, tomorrow we all head to Chicago to celebrate the nuptuals of Gordon and Karen. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again - it won't last. Ha ha.

I know the wedding will be a great time, and I'm excited to see Chicago again because I do really love the city. However, there is one thing that is going to suck all ass. I'm talking, of course, about Daylight Savings Time. You see, we're flying back on Sunday and Sunday is DST. And as happy as I am to spring forward, I'd prefer not to do it at the tail end of a tiring trip. Also, since Chicago is already an hour behind, it's like we're springing forward two hours.

God damn you, you cruel world....

joe welsh  @  8:58 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

People,

Last night Ladybetrothed Sarah and I decided that we had had enough. We were both tired and cranky, sick to death of our boring daily routines and especially of our boring ass diets.

So....we ordered pizza and chicken wings and gave ourselves the night off. Or so we thought.

When you haven't had any pizza in a long time the first slice is like making love to a supermodel while inventing a cure to cancer. It's just that good. The rest of the pie goes down pretty easily too. Bad food is awesome.

Unfortunately, bad food comes at a price, especially when you're on a bland boring ass diet. For me that price was stomach cramps and devastating indigestion. For LBS it was a stomach ache that kept her awake all night, during which she read an entire Dean Koontz book.

So really, nobody wins except Dean Koontz.

joe welsh  @  9:17 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Monday, March 28, 2005

People,

The icing has been put atop the cake.

At long last, Fooled By April's new record is done. I was in NYC all weekend putting the finishing touches on the new rock opus and I have to admit that I think it's pretty damn good.

All that now remains is mixing, mastering and pressing this thing before it gets into your hands. We hope to have it all packaged and pretty by the beginning of June.

That's it. I have nothing clever or interesting to say today, I'm just relieved that we finally finished.


PS. Oh, one interesting thing. Tim Bright (producer and guitarist extraordinaire) played a few tracks of the gitbox on this record and demands to be credited as "the genius guitarist operating expertly in his milieu". We'll see....

joe welsh  @  9:54 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

People,

Last night we brought the rock show to the Abbey Lounge to support the residency of our good friends in Scamper and to drink as much battery acid-like Diet Coke as my little body could hold.

The night began with our pals in Orange Park. We've known these guys for a long time and they pretty much rule. They're also a lot cooler than us, drink more than us, smoke more than us and even toke up in the van. (This is way more rock and roll than our van behavior, which consists entirely of scrabble and passing a box of Fiber 1.)

Anyway, it was great to see those guys and to hear them play. They're REALLY REALLY GOOD....at playing music. They are not so good at starting on time and ambled up to the stage a full forty minutes late like they were the 1991 version of Guns and Roses.

All was forgiven when they played though. Like I said, they're good. After a blazing set, they promised us one more and then............played a 25 minute instrumental. I'm not kidding. Jordan and I crocheted an entire sweater during the bridge of this tune.

Finally, they wrapped it up and went out to the van to bang some hookers. We set up as fast as we could and were told in no uncertain terms that getting back on schedule would be out responsibility (i.e. cut a third of your set and play fast). So we made like the Ramones and played 10 songs in 20 minutes. Short and sweet. This was a drag, but what can you do.

After the set, Justin from Orange Park came up and starting berating us:

"Dudes, I come all this way and you don't play Nobody Knows? It's my favorite!"

Justin, I refer you to the aforemention 25 minute jazz odyssey.

Next up was Scamper, who brought it. They get better every time I see them, and I see them far more than I'd like too.

All in all a good rock night.

joe welsh  @  9:08 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

People,

Being a motorcyclist can be annoying. You're definitely a second class citizen on the roads and you need to learn to always be on the lookout for other bad drivers. You also always have a hard time at full-serve gas stations with employees who try to insist on filling your tank. This is annoying because a motorcycle gas tank is surprisingly hard to fill. The tank's small size and irregular shape make spills and scratches almost inevitable if you don't know what you're doing. Ironically, gas station employees get mad when you want to do their job for them and you end up arguing with a lot of them. Also, on new gas pumps with the that funky rubber emissions collar, you have to trick the pump into working by pulling the collar back and holding it by hand. There's also the issues of drivers throwing things out their windows that hit you, like cigarettes and wrappers, and let's not forget about getting smacked by kicked up pebbles on the freeway.

Anyway, I list a few of the annoyances I face as a biker to set up my story. These things all get under your skin but really aren't all that bad. However, I was talking to another rider about these very annoyances and he said "I definitely know what it's like now to be discriminated against." Um, what? Getting cut off by some chain smoking old lady keys you into what it's like to be hated because of what you look like or who you have sex with or what you believe?

People are stupid.

joe welsh  @  8:30 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

People,

Last night I got real bored. And so, even though it was way too cold, I went for a ride on the bike.

Now, I knew that since it was cold I wouldn't be too long, so I left the door to my shed wide open, figuring that I wouldn't have to mess with the locks when I got home and would save myself some time.

But as is often the case, such laziness comes at a price.

Ten minutes later I pulled into my back yard and started to ease into the shed when I had my first encounter of the year with Thaddeus. Thaddeus, of course, being the skunk that lives in my neighborhood.

There he was, sniffing around my tools, checking out all the various bike accoutrements and probably peeing in my WD40.

I, being a huge pussy, turned right around and gunned it toward the driveway, tearing up a nice chunk of the lawn in the process. Thaddeus, however, was cooler than a cucumber. The closest thing I can compare him to is a stoner surfer. He ambled out the shed, looked at me with a "Oh, my bad dude. Didn't know this was your pad" and moseyed out of the yard. He didn't spray me or anything else, even when confronted with a jackass on a motorcycle.

Skunks 1, Welsh 0.

joe welsh  @  9:19 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Monday, March 21, 2005

People,

Last night we Brendo, myself and Ladybetrothed headed out to spend some time with Scamper Kool Keith, Alena the Rockmaster and their new bundle of joy, Jason Bo-Bason Banana-Nana Fo-Fason.

Now, folks, this kid is damn cute. He's five months and change and just adorable. When Sarah saw him I swear to god it was like watching a junkie take a fix. Her eyes lit up, she started breathing a little heavier and lost all rational control of thought, believing that we should have one right NOW.

Anyway, little Jason was very cute, but also real tired and just not in the mood for two dudes who make a lot of noise and a lady who keeps pretending she's eating his hand. The boy was tired.

Of course, his tiredness didn't matter to us. We demanded to see how he can balance himself, how he likes "the flying game" and how he likes being handled by the prying hands of the likes of us.

In short, he didn't like this. He didn't like it at all. And so the crying and the bedtime came to be.

Oh well, I hope he got a better night sleep than I did.

joe welsh  @  8:59 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Friday, March 18, 2005

People,

So, in order to not looked like a rhinoceros in my wedding photos, I've been hitting the gym.

Now, I'm inherently lazy and so of course I hate the gym. I hate everything about it. I hate sweating. I hate getting naked in the middle of the day and having to change clothes. I hate the weights. I hate the elliptical machine. You get the idea.

Despite hating it, I go pretty regularly because I also hate being a fat slob. It's kind of a catch-22.

Anyway, because I hate the gym I really hate anything that gets in the way of me being efficient while I'm there. I like to get right in, right out, no lines, no waiting. But, unfortunately, I have to share the gym with all kinds of other people, including my newest Gym Enemy - Miss "How nice of them to design an ab bench and chaise lounge that all fit in one machine" Jerkface. This lady brings her In Style magazine to the gym and then for twenty minutes does this:

1. Sets herself up at the one ab bench in the gym, with her aforementioned magazine, a towel, headphones, a bottle of water and some sort of stopwatch contraption.

2. Does about 9 situps.

3. Lies back and READS! for like five minutes.

4. Does 6 situps.

5. Reads for another five minutes.

6. Gets real bitchy when someone asks to work in.

7. Does two situps.

8. Drinks water.

9. Reads.

Man, I hate her. Someday I'm going to arrange it so that I arrive two minutes before her and get on the bench just before she reaches it. Then I'll crack open Anna Karenina and give her the finger.

A man can dream.

joe welsh  @  9:06 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

People,

As anyone who reads this column knows, I find the bad habits of children funny. Licking subway poles, farting, picking noses, inappropriate outbursts: I love it all.

However, this only applies to children. In adults, I find this behavior annoying at the least and sometimes downright revolting.

Case in point. This morning I was waiting in line at a small cafe near my offce. It's a makeshift cafe, and as such is cramped into a very small space. So when you're in line you're within a short arm's reach of all the other people in line as well as all the baked goods, fruit, soup and other exposed food.

Anyway, this morning this chooch behind has a sneezing fit. This is no crime - it's cold season and I myself have been sick more than my fair share this winter. But god damn it, if you gotta sneeze, cover your mouth! This guy sneezed three or four times in a dramatic way where he was not covering his mouth, was throwing his head all around and was spraying his nasty germs all over everything people were going to eat.

I wanted to punch him in the nuts.

joe welsh  @  8:57 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

People,

I may be jumping the gun a little, but in my utter hatred for winter I have declared it officially spring, and thus officially motorcycle season.

Yesterday I pulled the beast out of the shed, lubed up the chain, got myself some fresh gas, put the battery back in, reattached the seat and then did a comical ten minute slip and slide routine out of my icy backyard.

Then I took a loooooooong ride and man, it was like I was plunging the knife into old man winter's chest myself. Of course, then it got dark and my testicles retreated somewhere just south of my eyeballs, but beggars can't be choosers.

Today I rode to work. It was cold, and I got hit with a ton of kicked up sand and gravel left over from plowing, but it was worth it.

I'm back, baby!

joe welsh  @  8:46 AM  |  link  |   2 comments

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

People,

A week or two ago I wrote about the "poo poo twins", these two young kids who literally lost their minds while watching a beagle drop a trout.

Well, I see these kids just about every day now and they're my new favorite attraction on the way to work. They are always talking about NOTHING and do that peculiar four year old thing of completely disregarding what the other is saying.

1: .....I was running so fast and then I went ZOOOM and...

2: My teacher is nice to me but she hates Bobby Jenkins because...

1:...and I was going so fast that my feet were off the ground...

2: We might paint with our fingers today if Miss Abbott wants to.

Stuff like that.

Anyway, today the poo poo twins ended up sitting next to me on the train and I was excited to get a full dose of their kid non-sequiters.

Unfortunately, they ended up breaking my poor little heart. After about a minute, the little girl of the pair stood up and moved a few seats away. The boy asked her where she was going and she pointed at me and said "I don't want to sit next to HIM. He's gross."

Damn.

joe welsh  @  9:11 AM  |  link  |   3 comments

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Monday, March 14, 2005

People,

Friday night my good friend John held a party at his house. But not just any party, it was a party for his son Andrew's baseball team, who have the honor this year of going to Cooperstown to compete in a baseball tournament and kick major ass. Normally, all this (kids, baseball, pizza soda) would have been enough for me. But this party had one twist that made it about a billion times better. This party had the World Series Trophy. I am not kidding. Somehow, somebody knew somebody who knew somebody and boom - World Series Trophy.

And so I submit to you today a small example of a very geeky man having a moment:

joe welsh  @  8:57 AM  |  link  |   2 comments

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Folks,

My boss just told me that I need to "build up my resistance" to illness. What he meant, of course, was "I don't like you taking time off but passive aggression is how I work so I won't come right out and say that. Instead I will say something that while on the surface seems innocuous, is really an understated jab that you're not a real man, like me."

And I replied "yeah, this cold is a killer" in a snotty arrogant way. What I meant, of course, was "If you only knew what my resistance is. I've slept places you couldn't even dream about - under pool tables in basements, on studio floors, on sofabeds infested with mice - don't get me started. The only thing that's weak in it is that I have to pretend to be sick to take off the days I need to tour and record."

Essentially, a classic standoff.

joe welsh  @  9:08 AM  |  link  |   4 comments

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Hey people,

I am back at work after a day of self-expectoration. Man, it was nasty. I felt like I was the main character in The New Exorcist.

Anyway, here I am, bright and smiley.

My morning has been fully fleshed out by the fact that my boss is pissed that I take too much time off. This is fair I guess, in the sense that I do take a lot of time off for non-work pursuits and because I've been sick a lot this winter. However, he is a pain in the ass and doesn't appreciate that I'm not only disgustingly overqualified for my job but that I also bust my ass for him when I am here. So, to me the situation is like when you have to wait a long time for a table in a restaurant but then because you had to wait they give you a few free drinks and take a couple bucks off the bill. It works out.

Furthermore, if he doesn't like the amount of time I'm out now he just better get ready for operation "getting married and getting the hell out of dodge" which is coming up a lot faster than I think he realizes.

So there. That's my passive-aggressive Pyrrhic Victory of the day.

joe welsh  @  9:19 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

Hey people,

I am back at work after a day of self-expectoration. Man, it was nasty. I felt like I was the main character in The New Exorcist.

Anyway, here I am, bright and smiley.

My morning has been fully fleshed out by the fact that my boss is pissed that I take too much time off. This is fair I guess, in the sense that I do take a lot of time off for non-work pursuits and because I've been sick a lot this winter. However, he is a pain in the ass and doesn't appreciate that I'm not only disgustingly overqualified for my job but that I also bust my ass for him when I am here. So, to me the situation is like when you have to wait a long time for a table in a restaurant but then because you had to wait they give you a few free drinks and take a couple bucks off the bill. It works out.

Furthermore, if he doesn't like the amount of time I'm out now he just better get ready for operation "getting married and getting the hell out of dodge" which is coming up a lot faster than I think he realizes.

So there. That's my passive-aggressive Pyrrhic Victory of the day.

joe welsh  @  9:00 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Monday, March 07, 2005

People,

I'm back in town after a three day weekend of rocking the binary bits in NYC. All in all, I got a lot done and laid down some sweet licks, but I also made the life of our one of a kind producer Tim Bright a bit of a nightmare.

You see, I realized on the way down to New York that I was geting sick. In fact, by the time I arrived I had a fever of 101 and had become the world's most efficient nasty green lung crap factory. And, unfortunately, when you have a fever you are no good for recording the rock guitar...unless....you slam your body full of as much Dayquil as it will take.

So, Friday morning, hopped up on enough cold medicine to make Wavy Gravy have a flashback I sat down to make the rock. And rock I did, as one take of garbage piled up on top of another. I was this drooling retard in the chair who looked at the guitar in my hands like it was some sort of artifact from an ancient civilization that I had never seen before. It was ugly.

Finally, with Tim's patience we made it through the tracks and I'm happy with the end result. However, I am resting assured that for as long as I'm sick I won't have to worry about getting any high priced session gigs.

joe welsh  @  9:10 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

People,

LBS and I went out last night to support our pals in Scamper as they began their March residency at the Abbey Lounge.

The show was great except for one thing. There were three (3!) photographers taking pictures of Scamper as they played. Given my even temper, you know that this wouldn't bother me in the least. Except........all three photogs were using supersonic sun-flare flashes and were standing in the front. It made watching the show excrutiating, as each picture made me feel like I was about to have an epileptic fit. Also, they all took pictures during the ENTIRE show. How many goddamn pictures do you need of Scamper? I mean, I love those guys, but come on. The homoerotic tensions between the band member get dull after only ten or so shots.

Honestly, had the Rolling Stones somehow walked in, started to play, were joined by Pete Townshend, Robert Plant and Madonna while a live-sex show starring the Bush twins was going on, it would still have been too many pictures.

My poor eyes. Dag.

joe welsh  @  9:21 AM  |  link  |   3 comments

People,

LBS and I went out last night to support our pals in Scamper as they began their March residency at the Abbey Lounge.

The show was great except for one thing. There were three (3!) photographers taking pictures of Scamper as they played. Given my even temper, you know that this wouldn't bother me in the least. Except........all three photogs were using supersonic sun-flare flashes and were standing in the front. It made watching the show excrutiating, as each picture made me feel like I was about to have an epileptic fit. Also, they all took pictures during the ENTIRE show. How many goddamn pictures do you need of Scamper? I mean, I love those guys, but come on. The homoerotic tensions between the band member get dull after only ten or so shots.

Honestly, had the Rolling Stones somehow walked in, started to play, were joined by Pete Townshend, Robert Plant and Madonna while a live-sex show starring the Bush twins was going on, it would still have been too many pictures.

My poor eyes. Dag.

joe welsh  @  9:21 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

People,

I had the luck of having a snow day yesterday. It ruled.

This is, of course, the difficult conundrum I have with winter and snow. I hate it, but I do count on it to get me a couple days off each year. What can be done?

Anyway, Ladybetrothed and I chilled out, shoveled a little snow and watched movies. Kill Bill? I liked it. Napolean Dynamite? I don't get why it's such a big deal. I thought it blew beans.

That's all I got for ya. They can't all be winners...

joe welsh  @  8:54 AM  |  link  |   2 comments

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