joe's diary

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

People,

Have you ever tried to do something and just failed miserably? I mean, we all have, but have you ever failed so miserably that you knew that even if someone offered you another chance and a billion dollars to succeed at the same task you would still fail?

For me, such a task is Halo 2 online. 12-Gauge and I have been playing it a lot lately and the general consensus of myself and every person I've ever played against is that I suck. But suck isn't a strong enough word. Let's just say that a blind two-month old retarded chimpanzee with no hands could beat me down in this game.

Of course, this knowledge will not stop me. I know that I will continue to play this irascible game against nine years old in Japan and continue to be bitch slapped all over the place by them.

Life is, of course, terrible.

joe welsh  @  8:48 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Monday, November 29, 2004

People,

In addition to writing this dreck I will admit that I enjoy reading the dreck of others. There are four or five other online journals that I try to read every day because I take a voyeuristic pleasure in following the lives of complete strangers.

Who do I read? Well, my main criteria has always been that the blogger be really hot, a great writer and have lots of crazy sex that she isn't shy about describing in excrutiating detail. Unfortunately, I have never found a blog like this. So, instead of sex crazed co-eds I have a blog-harem of pretty normal folks with quirks.

Anyway, the other day one of my bloggers deleted her entire site. Zap, gone. Everything. And although I know it's probably not the case, I'm pretty sure it's because she found out that some old pervert sicko from Somerville is reading about her everyday and it just got too weird. OK, I know that's not true, but it still is weird. It's like this person you kinda know a lot about but really know nothing about at all has suddenly died and you're left there with a bunch of questions. Did it work out with Brian? How did the job interview go? Are you getting along better with your mom now? Alas, I'll never know.

Beware the online world people....

joe welsh  @  8:43 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

People,

In addition to writing this dreck I will admit that I enjoy reading the dreck of others. There are four or five other online journals that I try to read every day because I take a voyeuristic pleasure in following the lives of complete strangers.

Who do I read? Well, my main criteria has always been that the blogger be really hot, a great writer and have lots of crazy sex that she isn't shy about describing in excrutiating detail. Unfortunately, I have never found a blog like this. So, instead of sex crazed co-eds I have a blog-harem of pretty normal folks with quirks.

Anyway, the other day one of my bloggers deleted her entire site. Zap, gone. Everything. And although I know it's probably not the case, I'm pretty sure it's because she found out that some old pervert sicko from Somerville is reading about her everyday and it just got too weird. OK, I know that's not true, but it still is weird. It's like this person you kinda know a lot about but really know nothing about at all has suddenly died and you're left there with a bunch of questions. Did it work out with Brian? How did the job interview go? Are you getting along better with your mom now? Alas, I'll never know.

Beware the online world people....

joe welsh  @  8:43 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

People,

Last night I learned that my friends want me to never accomplish anything productive in my life.

As I sat in my room on my birthday contemplating my ambitions; the novel I should write, the music I should be working on, the weight I should be losing etc, in busts the 12-G.

Me: 12-G! What's up
12-G: We bought you an X-Box with an internet connection so we can play all the time online.
Me: Thank god! I was just thinking of the useful things I should be doing, but this will actually kill the years until the grave quite nicely and, I might add, much more easily.
12-G: Sweet.

And so we played X-Box for hours. It RULED.

All I can say is that anyone who had any chance of seeing me socially in the next twelve years should kiss that goodbye right this second.

Dag.

joe welsh  @  8:54 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Monday, November 22, 2004

People,

Today is my b-day, and one of my gifts to myself is to spend as much of my day as possible being yelled at by my boss and being forced to do menial labor. Using that as my barometer, my day so far is a smashing success.

Anyway, as I sit and watch the last dangling remnants of my youth float away down the river of life, and I sail the S.S. Welsh towards the sea of my inevitable death I feel pretty good. I have good friends, a great fiancee, lots of guitars, a motorcycle, a band, two healthy testicles, a less than extreme weight problem, a decent shrink and all the diet coke I can drink.

Life is good.

joe welsh  @  9:58 AM  |  link  |   3 comments

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

People,

So I was thinking this morning about how strange it is that humans have the ability to map their feelings onto almost any situation. I mean, I guess that's why cartoons and stories about talking animals work, but I was especially thinking about video games.

During the Halo party of Tuesday night, we were all rendered as virtual characters on a video screen. There was no real danger, but I found myself becoming scared when I was alone and comforted when I saw Pete or Paul coming up to be with me. I mean, it's silly, but I actually felt physically and emotionally safer when we were fighting together.

And when someone attacked my boys in the game? It was the same adrenaline rush I imagine I would experience if the real thing happened in some bar in Missouri on tour. Every time I rushed in and did my best to put the beat down on the offender. Even if I died, it was great when the other one of us would live.

Anywho, it's wacky. I actually have way more to say about it, but my boss is now up my ass. Dag.

joe welsh  @  8:49 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

People,

Bear with me today as I can barely type. My left hand is locked into a vice of gnarled nerd-dom from the nine hours of Halo 2 that I played yesterday.

For those of you who have lives, Halo and Halo 2 are ultra-violent video games based on the principle of a US fighting force waging a war on a foreign planet. Sounds reasonable, right?

Anyway, it's also based on the ability to successfully manipulate the many dimensions of the X-Box controller, which includes two control sticks (both of which have multiple functions), eight buttons and two triggers. For someone like me, this is no bueno. To give you an idea of my manual dexterity either a) listen to our records or b) know that I have only one pair of shoes with laces - for good reason.

Anyway, 12-G fabricated up a geek paradise last night and he, myself, Lang-Bang and this dude Dave (hereforth known as "Dicktits McGoo") all played ourselves silly. 12-G hooked up two X-Boxes to two TVs and the internet. So, not only did we get to fight and kill each other, we also got the chance to be killed by groups of kids from all over the world. Awesome.

Playing on the internet is a trip, because of both the novelty of playing in real time with strangers and because you can see how good some people get at this shit. I mean, we got our asses kicked. HARD.

However, there is one great equalizer, if you can call it that. There's a microphone that you can attach to your controller that allows you to speak to your teammates and the opposing players. The Mic is for you to communicate strategy, but was essentially was used by me to hurl insults, profanity and death threats at what were no doubt a bunch of twelve year olds sitting alone in their bedrooms. Sweet.

But sometimes I would mix it up just to mess with people. To one player named 'wallimart' I just kept yelling "Yeah Wallimart! I just had dinner! It was pizza and it was great! I LOVED IT! NOW I'M DRINKING DIET COKE! WITH A STRAW! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I, you see, am a grown up.

joe welsh  @  8:35 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Folks,

This is less of a journal entry than an open letter to our newest neighborhood vandalizer, LP.

LP, I have some things to say to you. Of course, I know you probably live on my street, will end reading this and then you and a band of teenage thugs will beat me mercilessly for it with a bag of your backwards baseball caps, but here goes.

I understand your need to make a name for yourself. But by painting your moniker on everything - a laundromat, a bakery, a 7-11, numerous sidewalks, a memorial site (not kidding) etc. the way you have been, you're only accomplishing two things.

1) We (the collective non-pimpled) residents of Somerville and our municipal workers, think you're a dick.

2) Your symbol there, you know, the LP with the L being some kind of attempt at calligraphy which looks more like a capital cursive Q than anything else? Dude, that is soooo gay. And this makes me very happy, not because I have anything against being gay, but because your failure at this most heterosexual chest thumping act is funny.

So, in closing, figure out something cooler to spray paint on our city's establishments, or call it a day, come out of the closet, grab a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and come on over for a barbecue. Your choice, my friend.

Love,

Joe









joe welsh  @  9:09 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Monday, November 15, 2004

People,

Two things are unbelievable to me:

1) Winter seems to be here. Can I get a huge 'what the motherhell?' from Mother Nature? And the coming of winter inevitably means that The Beast is going to get an oil change, a carb cleaning, a good washing, some gas stabilization and then a long rest in the shed. Damn. I thought I at least had a couple more weeks.

2) Contrary to the predictions of many, I came through my first season as a licensed motorcyclist without dying. I know a lot of you lost money on this and for that I'm sorry, but what can you do? Maybe next year. In fact, I not only didn't die, I came through with nary a scratch, my worst injury being a couple of moderately severe burns received from the tailpipe. Fate, consider yourself tempted.

Anyway, I'm sad to see it go, but it was a great season. And I guess now that it's over I can get started again on stories about all the horrible and annoying people on the T.

Buckle your seat belts.

joe welsh  @  9:01 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Friday, November 12, 2004

People,

So I'm on the elevator this morning. I had just gotten on and was shortly joined by your typical college "I'm unique" guy. You know, the guy with the long red and purple hair who always wears the army jacket and loves Nine Inch Nails and being a dick. Usually he's really nice and sensitive once you get to know him, but is going through a tough phase in his transition from "guy everyone picked on in high school" to his eventually destination of "respected millionaire software programmer."

Anyway, I was tired and not in the mood for uniqueness. All I wanted was some good old conformity. But nooooooooo.

I think he pegged me as really square and decided he would try to mess with me, or at least annoy the hell out of me. As soon as the elevator starts moving he starts jumping up and down and leering menacingly at me like an idiot. I don't know if he thought I would be scared by this, but I've always been pretty sure the tensile strength of elevator cable can support one or more morons so I was pretty unmoved.

Here's where the great victory for the forces of good come in. After about five seconds I looked him straight in the eye and just said "Dude" in a completely flat affect.

He stopped jumping.

But he not only stopped jumping, in that momentary flash of eye contact a whole world of him understanding that I once was him and that I understood him, his anger, frustration and sadness pretty well was transmitted.

It was weird. When he got off he told me to have a nice day. I told him to have one too.

joe welsh  @  9:13 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

People,

I've been telling myself all summer that I am a man. A real man. I mean, everyone told me that once it got cold riding my motorycycle would be pure folly. You'll freeze, they said. Your fingers will turn blue and all you'll be able to think about is stretching out in front of a sweet smelling cedar log fire with a cup of tea, covered in a bearsking rug. Well, ok, only one guy said that and he's pretty weird, but you get my point.

Anyway, I said that they were all crazy. I loved riding so much that I thought I could tough out anything. But today folks I realized I may have to revise some of my earlier thinking. I am C-O-L-D cold. This morning the bitter November air treated me like a cat treats a mouse who is just hanging on for dear life, just waiting to deliver the final fatal blow. And my poor man-parts? Don't even ask....

This week may just be the test.

joe welsh  @  9:20 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Monday, November 08, 2004

Folks,

Saturday night was a success, of sorts. We packed up the rock van and headed on down to NYC to deliver the pain, but it didn't quite work that way.

I mean, the trip down was fine and uneventful, loaded with excess amounts of candy and numerous rounds of "who would you do?" (a game where you pick three people, preferably who you know, and then rank them in the order that you would do them).

As for the show, we played well to a fairly decent sized audience. The only snafu came when Jordan broke the head of the bass drum. Luckily, the head isn't the part of the drum that makes the noise. Oh wait, that's exactly what it does. So the rest of the show was semi-acoustic and bass drum free. Sounds hot, huh? Not so much.

Apres show we ate at Katz's Deli and headed home with pastrami filled bellies and somewhat happy hearts.

Rock and roll.

joe welsh  @  9:20 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Friday, November 05, 2004

People,

(Warning: This entry is not funny)

I hate George Bush, his radical agenda, the warmongers on his staff and the time machine that he is forcing us all into. "Welcome to 1950! Coloreds and Fruits in the back!!!"

I'm profoundly hurt by it. I really am. The kind of hurt that you just can't shake.

So here's what I'm thinking. Fuck Bush's talk of family values and the American way, with two cars, a garage, a dog and non-pot smoking kids. True family is hard to come by and is what you make of it, people. For instance, my daily family right now consists of my wonderful fiancee Sarah, my best friend Brendo, my other best friend/former drinking buddy MCAT, my good buddy Fantelope, H-Bomb and Rocking Robin upstairs and the newest addition, my younger brother Jack. For the most part we aren't related and/or traditional, but I think we function better than 99% of the families in this country. We take care of each other, providing guidance in the hard times and celebrating the good ones. We go to each other's shows, we support each other's work and dreams and we give each other lots of shoulders to cry on.

And you know what? This "family" may be many things, but it sure ain't cookie cutter white picket fence. For instance:

-My brother is gay and it makes me want to bash Republicans' faces in when they talk about how he's bought himself a one way ticket to hell or when he tells me the shit he gets for being different.

-I was an alcoholic and work hard every day to make up for the pain I caused a lot of people.

-Brendo farts a lot.

-Sarah has endured hardships too horrible to even mention.

-Fantelope? Well, he's sick a lot but he's is one calming motherfucker. He also helped me buy my first motorcycle, so he gets points for that.

My point? Their is no picket fence. their is no two car garage with a happy puppy out front. There is no fucking Leave it to Beaver.

Life is Hard. Really Hard. And if you can peacefully figure out some way to make it easier by surrounding yourself with good people (no matter who they are) like I think we have done at 26 Warwick Street then I think you win. To me, the American family can be two lesbian women and a baby, an African American with two Chinese Mail order brides and a baby elephant, one lady and seventy three goldfish, whatever...and how dare anyone question that?

Why make it harder to get by when getting by is hard enough?

I don't believe in God but I am praying my ass off for Rehnquist...


joe welsh  @  9:25 AM  |  link  |   0 comments

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Thursday, November 04, 2004

People,

What. The. Fuck.

I tried to post yesterday when I was insanely full of piss and vinegar, but Blogger was not working (which is happening more and more frequently - bastards!)

Anyway, this blows, but we all know that.

What's been on my mind a lot since I calmed down is the fact that America, this place I love, is not mine anymore. There were no dirty tricks in Florida this time around, no Supreme Court bullshit and not even enough voter intimidation to change the fact that Kerry lost by four million votes. I am, for the first time, very aware of my position in the minority.

I feel really alienated from the people and I've never felt that way before. I mean, I knew that there were crazies out there and fundamentalists who I would never see eye to eye with, but I always thought we could meet on some common ground, but I guess I was wrong.

I never thought my America would stand for:

- An unjustified offensive war on a sovereign nation based on faulty intelligence

-A non-veiled attack on the rights of undesirable groups (gays, minorities)

-An insistence on bringing "freedom" to the world while at the same time limiting it at home

-The spending of hundreds of BILLIONS of dollars on the military, money that is coming from programs for the young, the schools, the elderly etc.

-A man who has the absolute balls of steel to tell us that in the midst of this giant shitstorm we call our foreign and domestic policies that what we need is a tax cut.

-A man telling us that 1,200 American and 100,000 Iraqi lives have been worth it for what we've accomplished.

-A man telling us that this is how to fight terrorism.

America should be ashamed of itself for letting this happen. These four years could very well be the worst four years in American history and I say that with no irony whatsoever.

Shit.

joe welsh  @  9:19 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

People,

Sorry for the late entry, but I spent my morning doing my civic duty and voting. I didn't really want to go vote, but Puff Daddy threatened me with death if I did not, and so there was little choice.

Anyway, once I got in the booth I was really tempted to vote libertarian (as a protest vote against mainstream politics) since Massachusetts will easily be carried by Kerry. But then my mind was flooded with all the images of Bush and the remembrances of the terrible terrible awful things he's done as the worst president in American history, and so I gave it up for my main man Kerry.

As far as the rest of the races, well, I had no idea who anyone was and what they stood for. So then it became write-in time. I'm just telling you all this so that you won't be surprised when Brendan Clarke is the new District Attorney, Tara Robatzek is the new 4th district congresswoman and the screaming baby from the polling place's parking lot is the new Sheriff of Middlesex County.

Democracy Fever. Catch it!

joe welsh  @  10:07 AM  |  link  |   1 comments

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Monday, November 01, 2004

People,

Tomorrow is the election and that certainly is a pretty damn important thing. But there are things that are more important to me right now, and I feel like I should address them.

Why is everyone so bent out of shape about the fact that Ashlee Simpson lip-synched on Saturday Night Live? I mean, people are acting like the fact that a teenage pop singer may not be able to pull off her recorded vocals in a live format is shocking. News flash, she probably didn't pull them off in the studio either.

That's not my point though. My point is that no one should care if pop stars are great singers. With the exception of a very few (George Michael, Michael Jackson, maybe Madonna) no pop star purports to be an "artist." Ashlee Simpson doesn't want to be a respected singer songwriter, she wants to be famous and have people think she's pretty. Furthermore, a pop concert is not the opera or even a rock and roll show. You go to see the dancing and spectacle and to say "I saw Britney up close and her ass is really fat!" Honestly, I personally would prefer to hear pre-recorded vocals at a pop show. With all the running around and dancing involved, who wants to hear Hillary Duff wheeze her way through her songs?

So I say lighten up, Access Hollywood and Extra. Despite liking her single "Pieces of Me" (yeah I know, it's embarrassing. Screw you.), I'm mature enough to know that when Ashlee doesn't really sing we all win.

joe welsh  @  9:08 AM  |  link  |   2 comments

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