People,

So, in order to not looked like a rhinoceros in my wedding photos, I've been hitting the gym.

Now, I'm inherently lazy and so of course I hate the gym. I hate everything about it. I hate sweating. I hate getting naked in the middle of the day and having to change clothes. I hate the weights. I hate the elliptical machine. You get the idea.

Despite hating it, I go pretty regularly because I also hate being a fat slob. It's kind of a catch-22.

Anyway, because I hate the gym I really hate anything that gets in the way of me being efficient while I'm there. I like to get right in, right out, no lines, no waiting. But, unfortunately, I have to share the gym with all kinds of other people, including my newest Gym Enemy - Miss "How nice of them to design an ab bench and chaise lounge that all fit in one machine" Jerkface. This lady brings her In Style magazine to the gym and then for twenty minutes does this:

1. Sets herself up at the one ab bench in the gym, with her aforementioned magazine, a towel, headphones, a bottle of water and some sort of stopwatch contraption.

2. Does about 9 situps.

3. Lies back and READS! for like five minutes.

4. Does 6 situps.

5. Reads for another five minutes.

6. Gets real bitchy when someone asks to work in.

7. Does two situps.

8. Drinks water.

9. Reads.

Man, I hate her. Someday I'm going to arrange it so that I arrive two minutes before her and get on the bench just before she reaches it. Then I'll crack open Anna Karenina and give her the finger.

A man can dream.