joe's diary

Friday, January 20, 2006


So, new gym = new opportunity to be nice and make friends, right? Wrong.

To me a new gym simply means new enemies to make and people to despise. I know I've made this point before, but I hate gym people. I can't stress it enough. And I don't feel that bad about it because, frankly, they deserve it.

Case in point. Yesterday I hit the gym and it was packed. I hate going to the gym in the first place, so going and then having to wait for a machine is doubly infuriating, especially when you run into College Girl Gym Enemy.

Everyone knows who College Girl Gym Enemy is. She's 19 or so, really skinny, wears a lot of makeup, has the new Jack Johnson blasting in her pastel iPod mini and probably has framed pictures of her high school boyfriend next to her stuffed animal sanctuary/bed.

That's enough to dislike CGGE, but then she has to take it to the next level. As I'm waiting for the elliptical machines, I see that she is at 29 minutes on a thirty minute workout, and since there is a strict 30 minute limit when people are waiting I start getting ready to be miserable for my 30 minutes.

Of course, when she finishes her thirty minutes she doesn't get off the machine. She starts another workout, even as I'm standing right in front of her. And despite my enormous degree of self control, I become somewhat livid.

So I stand there, right in front of her and don't move. Eventually she looks at me like "I don't know what you think you want, but I only date handsome young guys and I already have a boyfriend, perv. Giggle."

So I look back at her like "Listen, I get it. You're skinny and think you need to look great so that the frat boys will sleep with you every weekend when you drink too much. Then, Sunday morning you'll call your boyfriend in tears and then come back to the gym to work off some of the alcohol bloat. But sweetheart, they sleep with you because you're dumb, not pretty, so it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm 30 and I hate you and I need to get up on that stupid frigging machine and listen to some guns and roses and try to get myself to the point where I have some dignity in how I look. So stop being a selfish bitch and get down from there before I punch you in the throat."

Of course, it didn't work and I had to wait until some other annoying girl had finished her 90 minutes. Life is, of course, terrible.

joe welsh  @  9:25 AM  |  link  |   4 comments


Joe, I think if you look deep inside, you'll see that your greatest College Girl Gym Enemy is yourself.

By Anonymous Dave, at 11:53 AM  

Dude, this was fucking great. I giggled to myself and almost had diet coke coming out of my nose. keep them coming, i'm curious how that would feel...

By Anonymous eric franklin, at 12:38 PM  

"What does matter is that I'm 30 and I hate you." Awesome.

By Blogger diggity, at 9:49 AM  

Why don't you just confront her and tell her that she's done? You're bigger than her, I assume. Isn't that the rule? If I'm bigger than you, you have to give me your treadmill?

By Blogger Brendan, at 9:51 AM  

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