People,

So, the summer seems to be officially upon us and that gives me one more thing to complain about. However, I will save that complaining for another day, today I would like to discuss the horrible animals of Somerville.

First up, Thaddeus Stinkbomb. Thaddeus is a skunk who lives in and around my backyard. There's also a hedgehog (by far the scariest animal in the world) but's he's never given me any crap so we'll forget about him for now. Anywho, TS doesn't seem to realize that he lives among humans and that he's going to see lots of them day in and day out. Whenever you catch him off guard he gets very cranky and throws a skunkfart at you. So basically, every time I head into my backyard at night I am in this wary state that is somewhere between abject terror and adrenalized vigilance. I've had to run away from him twice already this year and I worry that my luck may be running out.

Second, the most annoying birds in the history of the world. These birds live outside Ladyfriend Sarahs house and I wish I knew a bird hit man because I would put out the contract on them myself. Unlike other birds who do their annoying chirping and pooping in the day, these birds don't come out until midnight. Then they're like "oh, listen, it's so quiet out here, we should definitely fill up the space with REALLY LOUD tweeting" So they proceed to do this back and forth chirpathon that is not only annoying because of it's volume and duration but also because of it's content. One bird will squawk out a phrase and then the other will copy it. It's like listening to two kids playing the "Don't copy me" game on a REALLY long car ride. Except, unlike kids, you can't beat the birds up (kidding). This is my life at 1AM:

Bird 1: Twee-twe-twe-tweet
Bird 2: Twee-twe-te-teet
Bird 1: No, the end is twe-tweet
Bird 2: Oh, what did I do?
Bird 1: Te-teet
Bird 2: Oh, sorry about that
Bird 1: It's cool. You'll get it. Let's practice it three thousand more times.
Bird 2: Great!

Life is, of course, terrible.