People,

Last night I was in my bathroom and noticed that someone had bought a copy of Maxim magazine. I haven't seen Maxim for a couple years, but it's exactly like it was back then....stupid.

Maxim pisses me off. I actually feel insulted as a man reading it. The entire magazine is a lie. For instance, the main article this month was "10 sure-fire tips to get any woman in bed." Give me a break. Is anyone actually pretending that this article isn't written for the ultimate insecure man who is completely incapable of talking to any woman at all? The other articles are all like "How to wrestle an alligator" and "how to kill a man with your bare hands." Why?

What irritates me is that I feel like the content of Maxim is written by highly educated nerds who feel cool pretending they know what they're talking about and is written for insecure nerds who think that these guys do know what they're talking about and are actually cool. It all seems really pathetic.

And then there's the girls. The magazine is full of beautiful women, semi-nude, and surrounded by nudge-nudge wink-wink text that essentially boils down to "oh, the things we could do her, huh?" Um, right. No one writing or reading this magazine would have any idea how to seduce women like that, or any women at all. The readers of Maxim are not cool people. Additionally, why would you want to look at hot women kinda naked? Just go the whole way, there's plenty of porn out there if you want it. It just seems like another weird lie built into the Maxim universe.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking nerds. I'm a nerd and a half. Maxim makes me angry because I think that they think that I'm their intended audience and it pisses me off the way they try to pander to me. I'm not suave, but I'm not an idiot. I like beautiful women, but I don't pretend that Carmen Electra and I would ever hook up. And I like reading about weird stuff, but I don't pretend I'm going to ever be in a situation where I need to know how to gouge out a cheetah's eye.

Arg.