People,

Now, I know you all spent last night watching the Miss Dog USA Beauty Pageant, and if you didn't??? Well, you're crazy I'm afraid. But don't worry, because I'll tell you what else is crazy, the judging! I mean, for crying out loud, was the fix in or what? Let's take a look at the top five dogs and you'll see what I mean.

1) Disco - This dog should've won it all. I mean not only did she look gorgeous in her red sequined evening dress, but true to her name, this bitch could really dance. Her talent was disco-dancing through her owner's legs while said owner also disco danced. That's simply not easy. Fourth runner up? Please. For shame.

2) Daisy - This beauty also had a lot going for her. She looked fantastic in her gown, had more than a puppy chow bowl's full amount of elegance and poise, and most of all she wasn't a little doggie-snob about her gifts. That's class. She definitely deserved better than third runner up.

3) Sweet Pea - I really wasn't blown away by this dog, the eventual winner. I mean, I have nothing against her personally, but she definitely lacked whatever that particular magic is, that unique sprinkling of pixie dust that makes us look at a doggie beauty pageant contestant and say "Yes! That's a champion!" I mean, I personally found her evening wear atrocious and her talent, balancing a water glass, seemd a little butch for the proceedings. Her winning really taints the whole competition and makes you wonder who's footing the bribery bill.

4) Lady - Lady was just boring, plain and simple. She walked with an air of "all I care about right now is the next time I get to sniff a butt" and I found she performed her talent of jumping rope in a completely ham-pawed manner. Execrable and certainly not worthy of her high showing.

5) Miss Something or other (I'm so angry I can't even remember) - The people who cheered for this dog are the same people who once watched Life Goes On as a comedy. It's just not right people. She is an ugly ugly ugly little pug who is only appealing because of her hideousness. And her talent? Off key baying along to her owner's off key rendition of O Sole Mio? All I could think of while watching her was how much I wanted to get Disco and Daisy together, give them dog treats and assure her that it was all going to be OK. Jesus.

Just another example of what money and a complete lack of moral virtue can get you in this country. Damn