People,

Birds are jerks. I'm serious. As much as I love the spring and especially the summer, I hate birds. They're dirty, annoying, smelly and people, they have it in for me. Well, one bird in particular does, Mr. "I'm a dumb ass chirp machine" O'Connor, or as I call him, Thaddeus.

I became convinced of Thaddeus' treachery recently during a double-header out on the wiffle ball diamond (i.e. the sexy Somerville rock house backyard of sin). As I was playing the outfield I noticed that he had pooped all over my bike, but people, and this is where it gets creepy, there was no poop to be found anywhere else. Call it coincidence if you must, but when I poop in my backyard....er.....if I were to poop in my backyard....I would choose the much more accomodating flower garden, or the back shed, or even my neighbor's canoe. Why the bike?

And then there's the issue of the chirping. I mean Jesus lord why all the frigging chirping? Some people have to work in the morning and can't just lie around eating seeds and pooping on bikes and need some god damn sleep. And I'm pretty sure he's speaking to me in the chirps. "Joe....Joe.....I'm going to poop on your bike all day...Joe...get up...get up JoJo...pooooooooop."

So screw you Thaddeus. (Ed Note - Joe clearly had nothing to write about today. I mean, clearly nothing. This is tripe. Crap. Does this Thaddeus even exist, or is he just an amalgam of all Joe's irrational fears and insecurities about animals? I like animals, for the record, although I will admit that I once knew a guinea pig named Doug who was kind of a jerk.)